As an introvert, social distancing during the pandemic hasn’t been rough for me. New regulations for social events removed the expectation to interact with adults at my children’s activities. Even attending online conferences has become more enjoyable for me. I suffer from social anxiety, but you would never know that when meeting me. My mask of bravery hides the throbbing pain in the back of my head while engaging in conversion.
My children, on the other hand, are extroverts. All those events I dread helped cultivate their character. Until schools closed their doors, and my children felt their world vanish. No amount of texting friends, Facetime, or Instagram, could substitute human interaction for my kids. In our protective bubble, my illusion of “life’s good” popped when unhealthy repercussions surfaced.
Both girls began to withdraw. Binge-watching the latest episode became their new norm. Unbrushed hair and still in their PJs at 3 pm disturbed me. Raw emotions strengthened as sleep deprivation waged war on their minds. Fear emerged where laughter used to reign.
Genesis 2:18 reminds me God never intends for us to do life on our own. But if our intended design is to make connections, then why is it difficult to connect? My youngest daughter’s answer was profound, “Mom, we have friends, but if we aren’t in class, that friendship becomes non-existent.”
Was she right? Do our activities define our friendships? The word friendship, formed by two words, friend-ship, conjures an illustration of a vessel carrying another the full distance of their journey. Webster Dictionary defines a friend as “a person attached by feelings of affection or personal regard” partnered by a connection or a common interest. The suffix, “ship,” Webster regards as “quality,” but I prefer the definition of the word Ship, “a large seagoing vessel.” A ship intends to move across a large body of water. Boats are built to travel distances, just like a… friend-ship.
If my girls believed a class determines the length of friendship, we’ve got a BIG problem. However, before I could help them, I needed to learn how to go the distance in friendships of my own. I enjoy my solitude, but God revealed the importance of friendship and how it impacts my family. God highlighted four key points I needed to be aware of:
My perceived value is impacted by the approval of Whom I seek.
Identifying the value God bestows on me is vital to building the confidence needed to engage with others. The questions arose, Who had my ear? Who am I allowing to have a say about my self-worth? “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people?” – Galatians 1:10a (NIV)
The only way to reprogram my thoughts is to replace them with God’s Words. Attending dates with God at least 15 minutes every day illuminates the darkest parts of my being with His Word. There are days I fail miserably, but at least now I recognize the yellow flags.
2. Analyze the character of the friends in my circle.
King Solomon, the wisest king, wrote the book of Proverbs to impart wisdom and offer several essential details on friends.
“The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”- Proverbs 12:26 (NIV),
“Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”- Proverbs 13:20 (NIV),
Both verses warn who we choose to interact with impacts our character: the people I allow in my inner circle influence my choices, actions, and even my words. “Cleaning house” is hard, but it offers great freedom.
3. Communication reveals the level of trust.
A common bond connects friends, but the conversation identifies the strength of the friendship. Stagnant conversations are the mooring line of our ship tethered to the boulders onshore. These conversations fasten the friend-ship to a safe dock preventing the vessel from a potential journey. A majority of my friend-ships dock here.
For a friend-ship to travel the distance, the ship must release the tether from the shore. Authentic conversion and grace are key elements for this process. Confidence for genuine communication is a life long voyage, which leads us to the last point.
4. Am I willing to do the work to maintain the friendship?
Preserving strong friendships requires intentional choices, constant reminders of who I am, and God’s grace. Friend-ships travel the distance when insecurities, doubt, and perceived personal rejection are replaced with grace, compassion, and forgiveness.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”- Colossians 3:12-14
At times, I stumble, forgetting to respond in love when a friend wounds my heart. But when taking the situation before the Lord, the Holy Spirit pivots my perception to extend grace and offer forgiveness without their request.
I may prefer to live in isolation, but that was never God’s intention. God commands us to love Him first, then love people. These four key points offer GPS coordinates to help my girls navigate their friend-ship, hoping some of them last longer than a class period.
This is awesome advice. Life really is about sharing life. Yes there are times it is really hard. But oooh the JOYS of true friendship. Keep encouraging yourself and your girls to develop friendships. It takes work on our part too. We have to make the first move and sometimes even the second and third…before the other person learns to trust us as friends also. Keep “preachin” girl. This is great.