I admit it

I avoided the truth of it for years. I hated the very word. I looked at my life and wondered how I could be struggling. What right did I have to be sad? A good husband, three healthy children, good friends, and a stable life.

So, I would stuff the feelings down. I was a pastor’s wife, a mom, a nurse, and so many other things. I couldn’t possibly be dealing with what I had refused to define, right?

Depression. It was there. Whether I would admit it or not. It started not long after I gave birth to my first child. He turned my world upside down. I survived on very little sleep that first year. The child didn’t like to rest! Family would give well meaning, albeit hurtful advice, of why I should be handling motherhood differently. I kept a strong face, but I was hurting on the inside.

Don’t get me wrong, there were joyful times, but I had this pain inside that I chose to ignore. I was living numb. If I ignored it, it would just go away. Isn’t that how it works?

Nope.

When you numb the not fun feelings, you numb the good ones too. Refusing to acknowledge the sadness, was also refusing myself the experience of joy.

And when that child of mine turned eleven, I hit a wall. I had a complete breakdown. Anxiety and depression overwhelmed me. I became suicidal. My memory wasn’t functioning well. I would forget entire conversations. I couldn’t get off the couch. It was as if my mind and emotions said, “This far and no further.”

That painful crash was actually a new birthplace for me. As the God of restoration lifted me out of the ashes, I discovered that I didn’t have to bury the pain anymore. The Lord met me in that dark place.

I’m still on the healing journey. The thing about healing is that it is a process. If we are honest, sometimes we expect it too fast. I stopped avoiding the pain and the sadness. I allowed myself to grieve. I stopped saying, “I’m fine” when I wasn’t. I stopped letting fear control me. I let people go that wanted to go. I didn’t run from the process. In fact, I dug in. I worked on my soul, my mind, and surrendered my heart to the Lord. I asked Him to restore my life.

What dark valley have you walked through where death was on your tail? God is there. He will never leave. People might. He won’t. He holds your healing.

Can I encourage you to surrender to Him? He can handle your brokenness, your pain, your questions, your grief. Lay down your “I’m fine” and pick up your “I need you now.” You will find He is there waiting